"Almost anything money can do, friends can do better. In so many ways a friend with a boat is better than owning a boat." (K. Kelly) [1]
Which traits do people particularly value in their friendships? That is a questions that Roberts-Griffin tried to answer in his research on friendship qualities. Women tend to value trust most while men are very eager to find honest friends. He also found that there are differences in what people value depending on people’s age. While younger people tend to prioritize trust, we tend to value honesty the older we get.
There are different kinds of friendships.
„Bei Herzensfreundschaften habe ich ähnliche Werte, da fühl ich mich verstanden, da kann ich alles erzählen. Das ist ein Glücksfall, solche Leute zu finden. Und das sind immer ganz wenige.“ (W. Krüger) [5]
But how can we tell if he or she is a really good friend or more of a casual friend? Wolfgang KrĂĽger states that a really close friend is someone we can share very sensitive details with while a casual friend is someone, we would probably not be vulnerable with. [6]
Based on the traits that people value most in friendships - trust and honesty - Shasta Nelson, an author and leading expert in friendships, created the Frientimacy Triangle which depicts what makes a friend close:
According to KrĂĽger, a psychotherapist, we only have three close friends and, unfortunately the number of friendships is decreasing the older we get. [8]
"Wenn ich mich um Freundschaften nicht kĂĽmmere, dann geht eine Freundschaft ein, wie eine Pflanze ohne Wasser und insofern muss ich einfach nur nichts tun, dann ist die Freundschaft vorbei." (W. KrĂĽger)
As consistency, vulnerability and positivity strengthen friendships, we could try to maintain our close friendships with help of these four maintenance behaviors:
- Be positive and share joy and happiness.
- Be supportive and actively listen.
- Be open, vulnerable and authentic.
- Take time for your friends to interact with them. [9]
With busy schedules it is sometimes fairly difficult to keep in touch with all your loved ones. To make sure that you still keep your friendships alive despite the hectic schedule. These few tips might help:
- Schedule weekly reminders on your phone to call close friends up.
- Make a text message group chat with friends from the same social circle.
- Reach out in times of crisis.
- Show up to the important events.
- Whenever you think about them, shoot them a text right away.
- Connect your network and plan big get-togethers. [1011]
"Friendships should energize you, so when time is tight, it's best to invest your time and energy in the relationships you know already enrich your life." (L. Vanderkamp)
- Clear, J. (2020). 3-2-1: On compliments, inversion, and the importance of high standards. https://jamesclear.com/3-2-1/september-24-2020
- Roberts-Griffin, C. P. (2011). What is a good friend: A qualitative analysis of desired friendship qualities. Penn McNair Research Journal, 3(1).
- WĂĽstenhagen, C. (2010). Das Geheimnis der Freundschaft. https://www.zeit.de/zeit-wissen/2011/01/Freundschaft/komplettansicht
- Harvard Health Publishing. (2019). The health benefits of strong relationships. https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/the-health-benefits-of-strong-relationships
- Sarafov, H. (2020). Freundschaften kommen und gehen – und das ist völlig okay. https://www.deutschlandfunknova.de/beitrag/soziale-beziehungen-alte-freundschaften-sollte-man-am-besten-auslaufen-lassen. https://www.deutschlandfunknova.de/beitrag/soziale-beziehungen-alte-freundschaften-sollte-man-am-besten-auslaufen-lassen
- Rheinmaintv. (2020). TALK MIT DR. WOLFGANG KRĂśGER. https://www.rheinmaintv.de/sendungen/beitrag-video/talk-mit-dr.-wolfgang-krueger/vom-04.12.2020/
- Nelson, S. (2017). Frientimacy: The 3 Requirements of All Healthy Friendships. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmJyWreER7A
- Westfälische Nachrichten. (2017). Wenn es hoch kommt, haben wir drei gute Freunde. https://www.wn.de/Freizeit/Ratgeber/Familie/Berichte/2923383-Interview-mit-Wolfgang-Krueger-Wenn-es-hoch-kommt-haben-wir-drei-gute-Freunde
- Jones, L. (2020). The Four Qualities of Close Friendships. https://www.thepositivepsychologypeople.com/the-four-qualities-of-close-friendships/
- Stillman, J. (2016). How to Keep Your Friendships Strong, Even When You're Insanely Busy. https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/5-tips-to-be-a-good-friend-despite-your-insane-schedule.html
- Goupil, P. (2017). 4 tricks to keep friendships alive on a busy schedule. https://medium.com/@fox_pj/how-to-maintain-good-friendships-21f1fa271a79
More sources on the topic:
- The Ultimate Health Podcast. (2017). 171: Focus Friday - Intentional Friendships. https://open.spotify.com/show/5A1vpgPVZTSEs70d2KTpk1?si=e7fbaa35cece4336
- NPR - Life Kit. (2019). Accept The Awkwardness: How To Make Friends (And Keep Them). Podcast. https://www.npr.org/2019/08/15/751479810/make-new-friends-and-keep-the-old
- NPR - Life Kit. (2019). When friendship changes, how to cope. https://open.spotify.com/episode/7ncoC0JKvh8IWokzIB3Gkl?si=1RP-qz6-RkeNk83XPvbj8Q&dl_branch=1
- Sow, A. & Friedman, A. (2020). Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close. Simon Schuster.
- Petersen, A. (2020). The Surprising Science Behind Friendship. https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-surprising-science-behind-friendship-11581256802
- Taylor-Cummings, A. & Taylor-Cummings, J. (2019). 4 Habits of ALL Successful Relationships. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4Y5Mr8rZ9A
- Chopik, W. J. (2017). Associations among relational values, support, health, and well-being across the adult lifespan. Personal Relationships.
- Holt-Lunstad, J. (2016). Friendship and health. In M.Hoijat & A. Moyer (Eds.). The Psychology of Friendship. Published to Oxford Scholarship Online: November 2016.
- Lakey, B. (2014). Perceived social support and happiness: The role of personality and relational processes. In S.A. David, I. Boniwell, & A. Conely Ayers (Eds.). The Oxford handbook of happiness. Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press.