Communication doesn't seem to be as easy as we might sometimes think…
But what do we actually mean by synchronous communication?
Synchronous communication means simultaneous communication. This can be found, for example, in a face-to-face conversation as well as on the telephone or in video chats
Synchrone & asynchrone Kommunikation. (o.D.). Hochschule Bonn-Rhein-Sieg. https://www.h-brs.de/de/bib/synchrone-asynchrone-kommunikation
Starting and ending a synchronous communicationPeople start conversations for a wide variety of reasons:
- resolving disputes
- seeking solace
- exchanging gossip
- maintaining friendships
- …
One would assume that when people start a conversation with the same goal, the conversation ends when the goal is reached. Or that it ends when at least one person has achieved their goal.
However, a Harvard University study shows that conversations almost never ended when both conversationalists wished it to (only 1.59% of all conversations ended this way, and only in 30% when one of the conversationalists wished it to).
The assumption is that this is a coordination problem:
- Since, for example, the conversation have incompatible desires
- Or one tries to anticipate the wish/goal of the counterpart.
However, in order to know the goal of the counterpart, decisive information is missing. Precisely this information is often deliberately withheld in a conversation in order not to disturb the relationship of trust.
This can be problematic because…
… it means
- the people in the conversation don't get what they wanted because they both wanted to talk longer than they did
- Or people may refrain from talking because it is so difficult to end a conversation coherently
So the more we learn about conversations the better we are able to maximize their benefits.
The communication processBut how exactly does communication actually work?
The sender encodes a message into a signal (here speech) and the receiver picks up the signal (here ear), decodes the content and gives feedback to the sender. However, interference can also occur during the transmission of the message, which can lead to misunderstandings. Possible „noises“ are for example distractions from the environment, semantic problems, cultural differences or lack of listening.
Communication disorders due to “lack of listening”Although listening is a necessary condition for successful communication, studies also confirm that most of us are poor listeners.
According to a study by the University of Missouri, this also has to do with the fact that we can think faster than someone else can speak. According to the study, we can mentally process about 400 words per minute but verbally articulate only about 125 words per minute.
As a result, we engage in " mental side activities" that quickly take up the bulk of our attention.
The importance of voice pitchTo make people want to listen to us, we should use our toolbox of voices.
The importance of nonverbal communicationWe see that non-verbal communication also plays an important role in a conversation.
It is now known that:
- "Your body speaks louder than words": it is assumed that the effect of a message depends 55 percent on nonverbal communication, 38 percent on the voice and only 7 percent on the content of what is said. Nonverbal features can thus completely change a message.
- You can't not communicate: Paul Watzlawick: people communicate as soon as they perceive each other
- The first impression counts:
- Primacy effect: The effect describes that early or first incoming information is remembered better than later incoming information
- Once people have made an impression, they do not want to change their mind
Two types of communication
In conversations, we distinguish between small talk and deep talk. Small talk is also referred to as everyday conversation and describes light, casual conversations. Deep talk, on the other hand, describes conversations that are in-depth, well-founded, and full of content.
Why Small Talk Is Anything But SmallMany people perceive small talk as superficial, frightening and insignificant. Yet this form of conversation offers many advantages.
- It enables us to find common ground and shared interests
- It improves active listening skills
- It helps us build muscle/courage to overcome social discomfort and improve spontaneity
- It lays the groundwork for transitioning into more serious, deeper topics which require a greater degree of psychological safety
So the next time we hesitate to start a small talk again, it may help to remember these points.
How to have deep conversations and connections?We usually underestimate how interested people are in deep conversation
The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology published a study on this topic. With the result: people systematically underestimate how caring and interested distant strangers are in one‘s own intimate revelations and that hese miscalibrated expectations create a psychological barrier to deeper conversations.
Be interested instead of interesting
In conversations, it is natural for us to talk about ourselves. When our conversation partner talks about themselves, we may turn the conversation back to ourselves. This is fine if our goal is to empathize with the other person: We look within ourselves to see if we've had similar experiences that evoke feelings we can identify with the other person. But sometimes our unconscious motives are not so ideal, and the conversation becomes all about ourselves. Our lives are limited, and our world is small. To expand it, you have to go beyond yourself. That means paying more attention to other people, getting into their world and taking a real interest in them. It makes us a better person when we are interested in the person we are talking to, their ideas and feelings. It shows humility, respect, concern and empathy - overall a good heart. Furthermore, a person also seems more interesting when he or she is also interested in others.
Being a genuinely non-judgmental person
If people feel judged by you, they will never trust you with anything. Being judgmental doesn't mean you have to agree with everyone and be on the same page. It simply means giving others the benefit of the doubt and - instead of assuming people are lazy and behaving badly on purpose - believing that everyone is truly trying to be the best version of themselves. Here are some tips to quiet your judgmental voice a bit.
- Blank out superficiality: Try to stop judging how people dress and look. It's what we judge most often, and it's nothing but time-wasting and unnecessary, and it feeds into low self-esteem, the beauty industry, and unrealistic beauty standards.
- Think of your worst 15 minutes before judging strangers: Put it this way: if we were judged by our worst 15 minutes, we'd all be monsters.
- Question your story about this person: Recognize that you never know the whole story of a person and their particular situation. You never know what that person really feels and how you would make decisions in their place.
Creating space for a private talk
Very few people feel comfortable telling several people at once about their inner lives, even if they are their closest friends. That's why it's so important to create the right conditions. It should be just you talking to each other. That doesn't mean other people or even friends can't be there (like at a party), but only you should be listening.
Be vulnerable and open up to others
If you want other people to be vulnerable with you, you must be willing to be vulnerable with them. People are more than happy to hear that they are not alone with their struggles, that similar things have happened to others and that they are not weirdos and don’t have to be afraid to talk about their life, because other people do it too. The key is to empathize—not trivialize, not try to one-up the experience, or give advice—but to show that you can share in what they are feeling within your own experience.
Don’t be afraid of asking intimate questions
Most deep conversations stop because people are so afraid of digging deeper, don’t want to be nosy, or feel uncomfortable with the vulnerability being served to them on a plate. If a person got as far as sharing their secrets or inner struggles with you, it is very unlikely that they will be scandalized by you asking further questions. People feel rather relieved because you give them a kind of permission to talk further and show them your interest in what they have to say.
If we stick to the points mentioned above, we have created a space in which people are happy to confide in us. For this to develop into a deep connection, the other person should feel that they have entrusted themselves to the right person. To do this, consider the following:
Give your full attention to the other person without thinking about what you can say next.
Really hearing what is being said. If you're wondering what the difference is between "listening" and "hearing," compare it to reading. There is a difference between reading books absentmindedly and marking the most important parts with a pen and taking notes. Listening, then, is marking and taking notes in your head of what is being said.
When talking about feelings and personal experiences, there is no right or wrong. The other person is always right in their perception, as everyone experiences their own truth.
Before jumping to conclusions or giving advice, try to take a step back. Most people do not expect others to solve their problems; if they do, they will specifically ask for your advice. When people open up and talk about their inner world, they are really looking for validation - the feeling that their feelings are understood and have a reason to exist.
4 Tips for talking to people you disagree withDon‘t assume bad intent
Assuming ill motives almost instantly cuts us off from truly understanding why someone does and believes as they do. We forget that they're a human being with a lifetime of experience that shaped their mind, and we get stuck on that first wave of anger, and the conversation has a very hard time ever moving beyond it. But when we assume good or neutral intent, we give our minds a much stronger framework for dialogue.
Ask questions
When we engage people across ideological divides, asking questions helps us map the disconnect between our differing points of view. That's important because we can't present effective arguments if we don't understand where the other side is actually coming from and because it gives them an opportunity to point out flaws in our positions. But asking questions serves another purpose; it signals to someone that they're being heard. Questions give room to speak.
Stay calm
This takes practice and patience, but it’s powerful. Always try not to escalate the conversation. Instead change the subject. Tell a joke or recommend a book or gently excuse yourself from the conversation. The discussion sin't over, just paused for a time to bring you back to an even keel.
Make the argument
This might seem obvious, but one side effect of having strong beliefs is we sometimes assume that the value of our position is, or should be, obvious and self-evident; that we shouldn’t have to defend our positions because they’re so clearly right and good; that if someone doesn’t get it, it’s their problem — that it’s not my job to educate them. But if it were that simple, we would all see things the same way. We are all a product of our upbringing, and our beliefs reflect our experiences. We can’t expect others to spontaneously change their own minds. If we want change, we have to make the case for it.