Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, an expert in relationships, conducts extensive research on why relationships or marriages end and how this can be predicted early on in a marriage. Through his research, he has been able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether couples would stay together or separate. He has identified four key factors that, when present in a relationship, predict an early divorce. These factors are known as the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (The Gottman Institute, 2019)
Now let's explore the Four Horsemen, their explanations, and their corresponding "antidotes," which provide alternative ways to behave or respond in order to maintain a healthy relationship.
Horseman | Definition | Example | Antidote |
Critisism | Verbally attacking personality or character | “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!” | Gentle Start-Up |
Contempt | Attaching sense of self with intent to insult or abuse | “You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. Could you be any more pathetic?” | Build Culture of Appreciation and Respect |
Defensiveness | Victimizing yourself to ward off a insult or abuse | “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?” | Take Responsibility |
Stonewalling | Withdrawing to avoid conflict and convey disapproval, distance and separation | “Leave me alone” | Physiological Self-Soothing |
The Gottman Institute (2023); Lisitsa (2022).