Dr. Gottman introduces an interesting concept known as the Emotional Bank Account. When we turn towards our partner's bids for connection, we make deposits into their emotional bank account. Conversely, when we turn away, we make withdrawals. Similar to a real bank account, a zero balance spells trouble, and a negative balance is a danger zone. Maintaining a healthy ratio is crucial for a couple's emotional bank account. To find satisfaction in a relationship, couples must focus on increasing deposits (positive interactions) and minimizing withdrawals (negative interactions) (Dollard, 2022).
During conflicts, strive for five positive interactions for every negative interaction. In everyday life, aim for a ratio of 20 positive interactions to each negative interaction. Why the difference? Couples in the heat of conflict are already in a negative state of mind, making additional negativity more likely. This 5:1 ratio suggests that even during an argument, you still need to say and do five positive things for every negative aspect. Reconsider your approach to conflicts—you don't necessarily have to agree or excessively accommodate. However, you should turn towards your partner, listen to them, ask for more information, validate their perspective, and show empathy. By accomplishing these five actions during a conflict discussion, even if you don't agree with your partner and perceive the issue as recurring or unsolvable, those are five positive interactions. On the other hand, when you go about your day and are suddenly interrupted by a negative interaction with your partner, it has a far greater impact on your emotional bank account. Positive interactions are small, consistent deposits, whereas negative interactions are significant withdrawals, and too many of them can deplete a positive balance. Remember, grand gestures are not the goal here. A emotionally rich marriage isn't nurtured during a two-week vacation in Hawaii. Instead, it relies on a daily routine of positive habits and interactions. For many couples, the realization that they should not take their daily interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship (Dollard, 2022).
So, remember: Don't take your everyday interactions for granted—acknowledge their significance and watch your emotional bank account flourish, leading to a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
Source: Dollard, C., (2022b). Invest in Your Relationship: The Emotional Bank Account. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/invest-relationship-emotional-bank-account/